Trapped in the Mirror by BDD
BDD Forum Post featured in The BDD Family: Coping with Body Dysmorphic Disorder in a Peer Support Group book by Eva Fisher, PhD
Mirrors are everywhere. I know where each one is in every house, school, and place I have ever spent a considerable amount of time in. I had a teacher who said something interesting about the mirror. She said, “Everyone must pay homage to it when they walk by. It sort of pulls you in like some magnetic force.”
I nodded my head in agreement. I have always had to look. The mirror truly was my best friend and my worst enemy. I needed to see myself as often as possible. I would sit in my room and look for long periods of time. I would go to the bathroom every chance I had when in public. I could feel perfectly fine but had to go check the mirror and subject myself to all the emotions that came with it. The urge was so powerful.
I always tried to leave the bathroom on a good note, look at myself from an angle that pleased me so I could leave happy. Most of the time, I didn’t even know what I was checking in the first place.
Sometimes I would see my reflection and say, “Phew, everything looks OK.” Other times I would see my reflection and feel pain- an inescapable feeling that I am stuck with this body for the rest of my life, stuck with this face for the rest of my life, stuck with this skin for the rest of my life. What an overwhelming feeling! I could barely take one day in this body. How would I ever manage to live an entire life in it?
I hated and loved when someone else was washing their hands in the bathroom. I loved that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror to go through the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions involved in that experience. I couldn’t let someone else see me stare at myself.
But that was often why I went to the bathroom in the first place- to ride that roller coaster. I hated that they stood in the way of that. I would often think how great it must have been to live thousands of years ago before there were mirrors everywhere. What a glorious life it must have been.
I noticed I felt much better on days I spent less time looking in the mirror. I would try tactics I later learned are called “mirror avoidance” for a whole day. And they worked wonderfully. It’s strange how well they worked. Even though I still had all those insecurities in there somewhere, they stayed away from the surface of my thinking when I avoided the mirror.
But what kind of life would that be if I never was able to feel comfortable looking in a mirror? I knew I couldn’t go on like that forever. More importantly though, I wasn’t strong enough to avoid mirrors on a regular basis. Eventually my overwhelming urge to check the mirror at every chance would return.
It would start out harmlessly and then turn into longer and more frequent trips. I learned which mirrors had the best lighting, which ones I could usually look at the longest before someone came in, and eventually which ones to avoid altogether because of atrocious lighting, unless of course I felt like subjecting myself to that pain.
Sometimes I would go to the mirrors with bad lighting knowing it would bring me down. It was masochistic. “What a waste of time and energy” I would think in a moment of clarity. Clarity was rare.
My BDD Struggles Started in Childhood
I have been living with BDD since a young age. The thoughts and irrational beliefs about my appearance intensified from middle school to high school and then throughout college. I have had girlfriends and friends tell me that I am attractive.
I have also had people make seemingly harmless remarks about certain characteristics of my appearance like my nose, scars on my back from acne, and other aspects that are slightly different than the norm. I remember those comments more than any compliment I have ever received.
I was co-captain of my football team in high school, had attractive girlfriends, joined a popular fraternity at the University of Miami, traveled Europe with friends, and had everything one could ask for in young adult life.
Nearly every single experience and memory has been tainted by persistent thoughts that I am extremely unattractive and my life would be significantly better if I didn’t have my flaws. I constantly checked mirrors at home and when in public. I was never fully in the moment during all my experiences.
I Sought Counseling and Wrote a Book
I sought counseling at school in Miami and subsequently wrote a book about living with BDD. I plan to use a portion of the proceeds to start a counseling center for people with BDD. My ultimate goal is to have support groups on every college campus and in other settings throughout the country.
One of the major challenges with most sufferers of BDD, like myself, is the secretive nature of the disorder. The thought of even one person knowing how I thought was mortifying and kept me away from counseling for years. When life became unbearable, I mustered the courage to enter counseling, while still withholding many specifics from my counselor. I then eventually told a close friend.
I Hope My Story Inspires You to Get Help
I still have only told a few people, but with the publication of my book I am ready to come out with my story. I want to help fellow BDD sufferers and know that all my pain and suffering can serve some greater purpose. I want to start an awareness campaign to help people not only realize they may have BDD, but to seek treatment when they do.
I never knew I had BDD but was typing in the symptoms of my obsessive thoughts a few years back and came across the Wikipedia page on BDD. I felt a piano sized weight come off my back when I found out I wasn’t the only one suffering with these symptoms. Learning that I had an actual disorder that affects millions of Americans made me feel much less alone.
I hope you read my story and feel less alone. Maybe it will inspire you to enter counseling and no longer be ashamed of your thoughts. Maybe it will inspire you to help others who may be suffering.
From Dr. Eva: Please join the BDD Recovery Support Group so you can feel less alone and support others suffering from BDD.
