Somatic Therapy and BDD

Somatic Therapy and Overcoming BDD

Ben Currie in 2024

by Guest Blogger Ben Currie

TRIGGER WARNING – This post contains mentions of suicidal thoughts and actions.

Substance Abuse and BDD

My personal journey with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) has been a journey with my body.

I was once a dedicated and accomplished endurance athlete. Arriving at college, my fit but overworked body needed rest but instead was given an unhealthy dose of drugs and alcohol. My first year of college was filled with fun drinking and partying but my brain chemistry turned for the worse.

I had connected with friends who were using drugs and alcohol to deal with stressful course loads and young relationships. While this vice seemed to suit them, it made me absolutely crazy. I developed a horrible case of BDD at age 19 during my sophomore year of college.

Soon I found myself delusional and with intense worries about my body and face that made no sense. I suffered greatly. I contemplated suicide often and my grades plummeted.

My BDD left me in catatonic positions with funny faces or screwed up eyes throughout the day. Some days I wouldn’t even leave my dorm room. I had somatic delusions regularly but was still desperate for connection.

Understandably, I met many worried faces when I left my dorm room. I believed these expressions of concern were in response to my defective appearance. This cycle sped onward, making me convinced there was something wrong with my body.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

I continued to use alcohol and strong marijuana to cope with my BDD symptoms throughout college. This madness continued until I eventually attempted suicide at 22 years old.

My suicide attempt was my cry for help. I found an outpatient rehab that focused on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) whose founder (Marsha Linehan) was a Zen meditator.

There I learned distress tolerance through deep breathing, staying in the present moment, single mindedness, and more. After two years, I went back to college and did a lot of local addiction recovery and meditation.

I continued to remain sober and meditate but suffered from difficult relationships and toxic work environments. Again, my body would take the toll. I burned out, suffered extreme muscle tension, anxiety, digestive issues and a lot of back pain. Finally, I began somatic trauma therapy.

Somatic Therapy 

Somatic therapy uses movement, breathwork, and body awareness exercises to help people recognize how trauma and stress are stored in the body. The goal is to release the pent-up tension and emotions that can become trapped in the body.

I taught myself to feel the stresses of work and my personal life in my chest and stomach. No story, no blame, no spontaneous resolutions for self-improvement- just feel it. As a wise friend shared with me: “In recovery we are not trying to feel better, we are trying to FEEL better.”

I followed my breath on relaxed days where it sunk right into my belly and tense when my lungs felt trapped. Doing my best to just feel it. Just breathe.

It became paramount to me to use the body not as a physical object to be perfected or tweaked, but as a vessel for breath and a barometer of stress. I am more useful to the world around me when I’m present and free. Many times my body “looks” the best when my emotional and spiritual needs are met. This could hardly be accomplished exclusively at the gym or on a treadmill.

Overcoming BDD using Somatic Therapy

Many of my pursuits in the external world left me with unprocessed emotions. These can be fine for a few days, but for too long it’s like driving a car with the check engine light on, where a breakdown surely looms. Somatic trauma therapy allowed me to become one with my internal issues. This was the perfect catalyst for more meditation, therapy, and healing.

I realized there was indeed something “wrong” with my body. It had internalized too much stress and emotion without an outlet or direction for it. Or it had been too focused on physical improvement and goals and had no permission to just be.

Becoming one with the somatic feelings of harm you’ve caused or harm that has been done to you is not enjoyable. It can be excruciating. Perhaps the only thing harder than doing deep trauma or spiritual work is not doing it. Yet relaxing in those sensations is the true gift.

Being at Ease in My Body

The way has been cleared for more natural and lasting joy, gratitude, and purpose in the surrounding world. It has become natural to feel more at ease in my body. Similarly, it is easier to make healthier and less addictive choices with my body now, without any radical fad diets or excessive exercise regimes.

When I was newly in addiction recovery, I dropped out of Outpatient rehab and community college because I was so paranoid about what others thought of my face. Today I am a Master’s Level Therapist at the very same Outpatient facility.

Perhaps I will forget my previous body filled with suffering and misunderstanding. Filled with neglect, exhaustion, and disconnection. But I will never forget how my body felt when my recovery journey all made sense.